All the children are above average

            Because I am not a competitive parent, I try not to talk about the fact that my children are smarter, cuter, kinder, and better behaved than everyone else’s.  I don’t want to make the rest of you feel bad, just because your kids weren’t born at Lake Woebegone.

            However, today we will make an exception, because we visited the pediatrician a few weeks ago.  Zachary, it turns out, has had some sort of crazy growth spurt and is knocking his head against the 25th percentile for height, a zone he has never before encountered.  It’s a good thing he’s bright, because basketball is probably not in his future.

            His brother, at twenty-one months, is only an inch and a pound less than Zachary, who is two years older.  He weighs in at the fiftieth percentile but has a head in the 90th.  That means his head is bigger than 90% of the other kids his age, which comes as absolutely no surprise to those of us who have to try and yank a shirt over that thing each morning.  And, he measures at the 97th percentile for height.  Given that we’re Jewish, that puts him at taller than pretty much every other child of his ethnic background.

            When he was born and we sent around an email with his name (which is not really Benjamin), a friend replied that we had chosen a name fit for either a pro linebacker or a don at Oxford.  I am banking that, given his size, he is still in the running for both positions.

            But, the part of the visit that showed just how extraordinary my kids are was the taking of the blood and the shots, when they screamed in the 99th percentile.  And my heart swelled when Benjamin began shouting “BAD” and hitting the woman making his big brother cry.

            Unfortunately, the blood tests revealed that perhaps my children are a bit below average in one way.  Both boys are anemic.  How, you may wonder, does a toddler who eats as much as Benjamin come up anemic?  As far as I can tell, there are two possible explanations.  Either his totally below-average mother keeps forgetting to serve meat or he eats so much damned produce that he flushes the iron right out of his system.  I suspect there is only so much iron in watermelon and peas.

12 responses to “All the children are above average

  1. Spinach? Broccoli? Cauliflower? Scallions and beets? Lots of iron.

  2. Orange Juice stops iron being absorbed, I think? I’ve been giving my 3 yr old a multi vitamin (when I remember) just in case, he seems to live on chicken nuggets and watermelon these days.

  3. “a friend replied that we had chosen a name fit for either a pro linebacker or a don at Oxford. ”

    When my son was born, a friend remarked that his name made him sound like a Puritan minister or a Civil War general.

  4. OJ actually helps the absorption. Vitamin C helps absorb iron. Vitamin D helps absorb calcium. Unfortunately, calcium and iron work against each other, so cannot be taken together.

  5. Congrats on the above average kids! I would hazard a guess that my boys would both score below average in the iron department as well, considering their lack of eating.

  6. Wow – my kids are above average AND anemic too!

  7. I love that Benjamin (not-his-real-name) yelled at the nurse in his brother’s defense.

    I tried to give birth at Lake Woebegone, but Garrison Keillor wouldn’t stay out of the maternity wing, so I left.

  8. Anemic, wow. They must not doctor their water with enough crap in London. I’m sure LA will fix it right up for you. KIDDING LOL

    Glad you found out and can take care of it.

    Speaking as a mom of two Graphically Average Girls (50th percentile) who are children of Graphically Extraordinary Parents, size and DNA can be fascinating. Patience is consistently 50/50 for height and weight. She shows it too, always right in the middle of her classmates.

    Persistence is 50th height and 10th weight.

    We did the FTT watch first year and finally I said: enough! Kid has a NASCAR metabolism and is simply skinny.

    She eats like a bird too: twice her body weight daily.

    I have to say: LOVE that Benjamin wolloped the mean doctor. Way to go Benjamin! And why not sports and don!

  9. Both of my kids are macrocephalic.

  10. I know nothing about being anemic. I love that Benjamin stuck up for his brother. I’m thinking if my older son (7) saw his younger brother (4) crying during shot he would ask the lady if she had anymore for him.

    Then again you never know. (i’m pretty sure though)

  11. well, I thought there was lots of iron in peas, so shows you what I know.
    Screamed in the 99th percentile, huh? Impressive.
    When LP was twoish and waiting at the office he fled the exam room and found the doctors in their workspace and said “you will no not touch me today.” He actually felt better after he got that off his chest.

  12. My favorite part? That Benjamin was defending his brother from the evil, evil nurse.

    Think multi vitamin!