To my children;
Yesterday was a long day. Given that today has the potential to be even longer, I would like to propose the following guidelines for your behavior:
1) Breakfast will be a considerably smoother experience if we can forgo a half-hour temper tantrum during which one of you insists that he is too far away from the table but refuses to allow me to push in his chair. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you both that you are not allowed to simply grab the table and pull it towards you while your brother attempts to eat his breakfast, only to have it yanked out from under him.
2) During preschool drop-off, I would prefer if no one turns around while getting out of the mini-van and shoves his brother, thereby forcing me to send the pushee into the courtyard with our Rabbi while the pusher is disciplined.
3) Ideally, no one will decide – just as he gets to his classroom – that he is not going to school today. It would be even dandier if no one starts sobbing as I leave the room.
4) If we can, let’s avoid urinating on the bathroom floor.
5) Toy plastic brooms are cleaning implements, not weapons.
6) Contrary to popular opinion, macaroni and cheese does NOT taste better when eaten from a standing position.
7) Appropriate dinner conversation does not include climbing under the table and declaring “I going to keep my poopy right here in my diaper.”
8) While baby poop does not smell bad, baby pee is just as wet as any other. Let’s try not to get it all over Mommy as she carries you to the bathtub.
9) When two of you are finally shoved tucked away in your beds, copious weeping for Mommy to return accompanied by gleeful taunting from the lower bunk is likely to disturb your sister’s attempts to finish feeding for the night, in all probability resulting in her waking Mommy up in the middle of the night to finish off the meal.
Of course, I recognize that the above are merely suggestions for possible ways to go about your day. If you see fit to ad lib, perhaps by mixing Mommy a cocktail shutting the hell up for ten straight minutes baking Mommy cookies, please feel free to do so.
The shell of a woman formerly known as your mother