To my children;

Yesterday was a long day.  Given that today has the potential to be even longer, I would like to propose the following guidelines for your behavior:

1) Breakfast will be a considerably smoother experience if we can forgo a half-hour temper tantrum during which one of you insists that he is too far away from the table but refuses to allow me to push in his chair.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you both that you are not allowed to simply grab the table and pull it towards you while your brother attempts to eat his breakfast, only to have it yanked out from under him.

2) During preschool drop-off, I would prefer if no one turns around while getting out of the mini-van and shoves his brother, thereby forcing me to send the pushee into the courtyard with our Rabbi while the pusher is disciplined.

3) Ideally, no one will decide – just as he gets to his classroom – that he is not going to school today.  It would be even dandier if no one starts sobbing as I leave the room.

4) If we can, let’s avoid urinating on the bathroom floor.

5) Toy plastic brooms are cleaning implements, not weapons.

6) Contrary to popular opinion, macaroni and cheese does NOT taste better when eaten from a standing position.

7) Appropriate dinner conversation does not include climbing under the table and declaring “I going to keep my poopy right here in my diaper.”  

8) While baby poop does not smell bad, baby pee is just as wet as any other.  Let’s try not to get it all over Mommy as she carries you to the bathtub.

9) When two of you are finally shoved tucked away in your beds, copious weeping for Mommy to return accompanied by gleeful taunting from the lower bunk is likely to disturb your sister’s attempts to finish feeding for the night, in all probability resulting in her waking Mommy up in the middle of the night to finish off the meal.

Of course, I recognize that the above are merely suggestions for possible ways to go about your day.  If you see fit to ad lib, perhaps by mixing Mommy a cocktail shutting the hell up for ten straight minutes baking Mommy cookies, please feel free to do so.


The shell of a woman formerly known as your mother

26 responses to “Suggestions

  1. Ugh.

    Aren’t kids great?

    And we had the table-pulling snit at breakfast time this morning as well. I HATE that!

  2. Oh wow — rough one huh? This was funny, but of course, it wasn’t me..

  3. Wise of you to limit #5 to just plastic brooms as the number of items in our house that were toys/tools/implements/other and yet used as weapons was vast indeed!

  4. i’d have sworn you were at my house, except there seems to be an extra kid in your story…i shudder.

    can you send up some of those cookies if they make them?

  5. OH my….I think we are both on the same sinking ship, hang in there!!! Would send a life jacket if I could…

  6. great list! Although, I am not sure that little boys are capable of #4. I am consistently amazed at where the pee ends up in the bathroom.

  7. Is there a full moon? This is the kind of week we’re having, too.

  8. So, they’ve learned to read?

    I know those kinds of days all too well, but I’ve only one child. I feel for you.

  9. Wow. I miss those days. NOT.

  10. I feel for you. My son has found all three bathroom rugs and the bathmat with his pee all in the last couple if days.

  11. I almost feel guilty laughing so hard at this. I am sorry. And kudos to you for keeping your sense of humor and getting your kids to read your blog.

  12. I’d tell you to post it on the fridge, but I know they can’t read it.

    I hope today is better.

  13. I’m chuckling and amused in a way that only a woman with older children can be. It gets better, I promise.

  14. I’d have to add –

    Dear Son,
    Please do not expect sympathy when, despite my repeated warnings and even a time-out or two, you jab your finger into the cat’s face one too many times and the poor, long-suffering thing finally bites you lightly.

    Thank you,
    Your mother

  15. I’m also of the–mom with older kids–cohort. I remember how slow those days were. It’s only after they’re older that it seems like it went fast.

  16. I wish I could say that this didn’t make me laugh, hard. In empathy, though, I promise.

  17. Love it, love it, love it!
    Oh Emily….you are wonderful!
    Don’t you love brothers?

  18. Oh my – that was my life EXACTLY today! I have two boys and a baby girl too . . . it must be a January thing b/c these kids are driving me completely batty this week.

  19. omg that was so damn funny.

    “I’m gonna keep my poopie right here.” Sounds like one of my kids at school……

  20. I am both insanely jealous and completely scared as hell….

  21. Let me know how that kids-mixing-you-a-cocktail thing goes 🙂

  22. Lol! Give ’em a few more years of organising their coordination, and it’s possible they may manage to drive off in the car…?

  23. Wow you have your hands full. I don’t know how you manage to feed Lilah with sibs running around, and boys to boot!

  24. Hehehehe! Good luck with the no pee on the floor suggestion. Your aiming a bit high with that one.

    Sadly, it’s a lifelong problem with the boys!

  25. Are you describing my day? Thanks for the encouragment on my blog. Christmas, new baby, visit from Nana, cold winter weather, and trying to keep kids home and healthy…these things are a bad combination at our house.

    If the older boys don’t do serious harm to each other before winter is out, I will be surprised. And if I don’t end up in a straight jacket, I’ll be even more surprised. Hmmm…breastfeeding in a straight jacket could be tricky.

  26. Yes, this speaks to me, Emily. More than you know.