I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

I’m not sure if she came to my blog first or I came to hers.  All I know is that almost three years ago, shortly after I started blogging, I met a woman named Chani.  “Met” is a strange words for someone I never saw and never spoke to.  But we did know each other.

She supported me fully as I told some difficult stories.  She challenged me, always gently but intensely.  In a world of drive-by clickings, Chani stopped to think.

Her posts were full of self-reflection, strong political statements, and social commentary.  But, more than any other blog I’ve ever read, she treated her readers with respect and used her blog as a space to invite meaningful conversation.

Lately, I have not been reading blogs as much.  Life has been complicated, and it has been months since Chani and I have read one another’s blogs.  The loss is mine, because she has posted her last post.

Last month, Chani died of a heart attack in her sleep.  I’ll never get to meet her in person.  I’ll never get to thank her for being there for me.

But I do want to thank those of you I have deserted lately who have stayed with me.  I will be back, I promise.  Painted Maypole and Coco and Julie and Slouching Mom and Mama Tulip and Lillian and Flutter and Magpie and Alejna and Holly and the list goes on and on.  People I’ve never met in person but who feel like friends.  If I haven’t listed you here and haven’t been by lately, it’s not because I don’t care.  Please know that.

I wish I could tell Chani that.  She always seemed to be searching for peace, and although I don’t believe in an afterlife, I dearly hope she has found some.

23 responses to “I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

  1. My heart hurts. She was honest and true and kind.

  2. I don’t expect a response when I write, so I’m always grateful when I get one. And if someone is consistently engaging, I feel like I’ve made a friend, whether I see this person in the flesh or not. Your friend- yes, friend- sounds like someone with integrity, and you should be honored to have had this special relationship with her. I’m sure she understood.

  3. Oh, I am so very sorry to hear that. Chani’s posts were so thoughtful and really gave a sense of her as a person. What a loss.

  4. It’s a blow, isn’t it? I’m stunned and sad, and, as someone who has dwindled out of blogging almost to the point of disappearing, I’m confused by the depth of my feelings.

  5. wow. thank you for letting us know. how did you hear? she was always a thought provoking blogger and commenter, and i feel that my world is deeper and richer for having “known” her.

  6. Oh my goodness. How awful. I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend, Em. I remember Chani’s comments well. She was a very special soul.

    I remember finding your blog while you were tapping out those first painful posts. Your writing drew me in, and your generous heart and lively mind are such a delight. I count you among my friends as well, and though my life has been full of The Crazy, I am so honored to know you.

    Thinking of you, and Chani, and her family.

  7. So sorry Em. I read and comment because often this space feels like the friends I haven’t found in real life. So, thank you.

  8. I am so sad to hear this. Thanks for letting us know.

  9. I had no idea (how did you find out?). I too read and enjoyed her thoughts.

    Thanks for letting us know.

  10. I don’t know her and I’m sorry that I didn’t get a chance to. So sorry for your loss, Em. Sending you a big fat hug.


  11. That’s very sad about her. Don’t worry about the blogs. I am thinking of you whether you have time to come by or not.

  12. I didn’t know she was gone until just now. It makes me sad. It also makes me resolve to read my best loved bloggers’ posts more often; to keep track more.
    I may not be commenting, but I’ll be by.

  13. Thank you for this post, Emily. I was so shocked and saddened by this news. While Chani and I didn’t interact much directly, I knew her voice well from the many comments she left. She was a good friend to you, and a good friend to others. She was so clearly a very kind and sincere individual.

    And thank you for your friendship, Emily. I really value it.

  14. Em, I am glad to know you. I am glad to have known Chani

  15. I didn’t know her, but I can tell that she meant a lot to many people. I’m sorry that you’ve lost a friend.

  16. Oh, no! Although, that sounds like not a bad way to pass.

  17. Ooof. I’m shocked at the loss of Chani. It is eye opening of what we “have” here in this little internet community of ours.

  18. One of the strangest things about blogging is that you get to know people so well, who you otherwise would never have heard of. And then when bad things happen in their lives, it touches so many people! Its like the world is getting smaller, right?
    By the way, my blog has moved because I couldn’t afford Typepad any more! I am now at http://slow-down-gym-shoe.blogspot.com.

  19. coldspaghetti

    Oh my goodness. Oh, my.

    How did you find out? Is there anything we can do?

    Thank you for sharing all of this. And for being there, too.

  20. Oh, my. I’m so sorry. I remember her comments. She always had insight and interesting things to say. I’m sorry for your loss, Emily.

  21. Cheeky Monkey

    Oh Chani. She wrote with a bang, didn’t she? Even if she left with a whimper, as most of us will.

  22. I spoke with Chani every week for the last 3 years and considered her a friend. I am very curious how you happended to know how she actually died of a heart attack? Her other friends are trying to find out and we are at a loss. Can you help? Send us to a place who could tell us more? We feel so lost as we never knew her last name or address…. She was so healthy and alive… it feels odd …..

  23. I too have been absent and I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and hoping you know that you have lots have of friends still, even with the loss of this very good friend.