Where is the Belly Band playing?

I got an email yesterday from some woman who has been stalking me with offers to review products on my blog.  Apparently, she has not noticed the Blog With Integrity badge, because the shit she tries to get me to review is the kind of soul-destroying drek that no one with integrity would consider reviewing.

This latest email had the following subject heading: “Kourtney Kardashian Exposes her Secret to Ridding the Pounds Post Baby, in time for Mother’s Day.”  Yeah, so you see, we’re already going to have a problem with this.  Because I can’t quite figure out what “Post Baby” means.  It might be after one’s child is no longer a baby, perhaps when the child is potty trained.  Or it may be intended to indicate the post-partum period, in which case I object to the idea that the baby becomes an irksome thing to discard once one has given birth.  Of course, it could just be the time when the infant is screaming so relentlessly that his mother wishes she could stuff him in the post.

The implication is that a fantastic Mother’s Day gift is the ability to shed the baby weight.  Rather than celebrating motherhood, it seems, we are instead going to be hiding it as quickly as possible.

I’d like to say the email improved in the text.  Perhaps you would like to be the judge:

We’re working with Kourtney Kardashian as she shares her secret to ridding her post baby pounds in only four months by using the Belly Bandit. Please let me know if I can send samples for review.

While Kourtney Kardashian prepares for the ultimate gift this holiday season, her baby boy, she is also making big plans to get back to her rocking, pre-baby shape. How does she plan to do this? One way is by using what has been dubbed “genius”, “a miracle worker” and the “must-have accessory” for moms post birth.   Kourtney plans to use her very own Limited Edition Belly Bandit®, a belly wrap that has new moms, from celebrities to second-timers, returning to their original forms quicker than ever before.

The Belly Bandit® can be worn snuggly around the waist as soon as the day after delivery. Wearing it after a c-section may actually decrease the post-op recovery time by minimizing associated incision pain, which allows greater mobility post surgery. To reach maximum benefits, it should be worn for 6-8 weeks post delivery.  Whether you’re a celeb or a domestic goddess, the Limited Edition Belly Bandit® by Kourtney Kardashian will aid in getting you back to your pre-pregnancy hotness faster than ever.

So, OK, the first problem here is that I had my last baby nineteen months ago, so I’m not sure how the hell I am going to review this particular product.

Nor do I think that losing one’s pregnancy weight just four months after having a baby is a particularly good idea.  Nine months and a few cheesecakes up, ten months and a whole bunch of sit-ups down.

Now, I know I am not a celeb, but I’m also pretty damned sure I am not a “domestic goddess.”  Hold on, let me ask the dust bunnies under the couch.  Never mind, I can’t find them because they are obscured by books, dirty socks, and quite a number of old peas.

To be frank, I have no desire to return to my pre-pregnancy hotness.  Anyone who knew me before I had children will tell you I was smokin’, of course, but I am OK with the fact that my body shows I have borne and nursed a few babies.  I have a bit of a belly now.  That’s just the way it is.  I like that I look like a woman my age and not a teenager.

My husband may or may not agree with me.

I do try to be reasonably in shape, and I am willing to put my body through all sorts of physical challenges to accomplish that.  I am not, however, willing to suction cup my belly for eight weeks.  Six to eight weeks?  Seriously?  Someone who just had a baby, is getting up all hours of the night, and is bleeding out her vagina is supposed to want to Velcro her stomach for six to eight weeks?  What the fuck?

See, I always thought the only “must-have accessory” for moms post-birth is a baby.

The email brings up all sorts of questions about feminism and body image and commercialism and whatnot.  But the biggest question, by far, is the obvious.

Who the hell is Kourtney Kardashian?

8 responses to “Where is the Belly Band playing?

  1. I have no idea who she is either, but do you think she changed the spelling of her first name to match her last name?

  2. You should have her send the samples and then we can all come up with goofy ways to use them.

    “I carry my groceries with ease now that I have the Belly Bandit to strap them to the roof with!”

  3. I got that pitch too. I’m nearly 26 years “post-baby,” so clearly I’m in no position to review this thing. Not that I would anyway.

    Kourtney Kardashian is one of those pseudo-celebrities from E!, I think.

  4. Is it awful that I kind of want you to accept some of the offers you’re getting, just so I can read your scathing and hilarious reviews? Because I really, really do. (Well. Except the ones that last 6-8 weeks. That’s just silly-talk.)

  5. do they make them for your ass? because if they do I AM ALL OVER THAT.

  6. In addition to abdominal fat, will it suck up the socks and peas under my couch??

    Thanks for the good laugh today. And the bruise on my leg from falling out of my chair at that last line. =>

  7. The post is truly a work of art. You are such a fantastic writer.

  8. WendyElissa

    I asked my husband (upon waking in the middle of the night) if he knew who the Kardashians were. His answer was, “Isn’t that…Star Trek?”